“China’s Our Enemy!” News to Me

 

I was walking by the Treasury Department the other day in Washington D.C. and as I passed a little girl with her parents, she exclaimed “China’s Our Enemy!”

She made this outburst in response to the Chinese and American flags adorning the light poles around the White House as Chinese President Hu Jintao will soon visit D.C.

I wanted to ask her (or her parents) that as a student of Chinese language, history, and culture does that make me an enemy of America? I didn’t comment, however, since I literally was speechless as if someone had just knocked the wind out of me.

Now I don’t have any idea who these people were or where they are from. Perhaps they could know someone who lost a job due to offshoring; I don’t know. But suppose that is the case, does that then give one the right to discriminate against an entire culture en masse? Furthermore, what is this little girl leaning in school? Isn’t the best way to defeat an ‘enemy’ is to gain knowledge about him?

However, China is not our enemy, the Chinese are not the Soviet ‘pinkos’ of the past or whatever boogeyman the fearful wish to portray it as. It disturbs me that many in our great nation choose to succumb to unfounded ethnic fears rather than take the initiative to learn about what seemingly threatens our sovereignty. Our appetite for spending money we don’t have has fueled Chinese growth and prosperity. It led to our housing market collapse but also lifted over 400 million people out of dire poverty. Now the dragon our greed unleashed has broken its shackles of past humiliation and desires more respect and room upon the world stage. Are we ready to grant Chinese the say in international affairs that it rightfully deserves with one seventh of the planet’s population?

What they don’t tell you on talk radio is that no matter how ‘threatening’ China may seem, its economy is still less than one half the size of ours and hundreds of millions remain impoverished. Nearly a billion suffer the malaise of grotesque pollution, acid rain, lack of adequate health care, not to mention trying to find a balance between past traditions and modernization; maintaining a Chinese identity under the pressures of economic liberalization. Authoritarianism and human rights abuses continue amongst outcry from the rest of the world. However, China has proven several times over in the past decade that it acknowledges these issues and is trying its best to solve them. Meanwhile, we’re still not sure if Global Warming is real or if people necessarily need health insurance.

Back to the little girl’s education. I remember in school they did a rotten job of conveying to children how to conceptualize quantities. I’d venture to guess that 98% of children don’t know the population of their hometown or the top ten largest cities in the United States. Well China has 1.4 billion people, 4.7 times more than the United States. 11.7 times more than Japan, 23 times more than the United Kingdom. Imagine what New York City would look like if it had 4.7 times more people, a population of 41 million within the Five Boroughs and 103 million in the metro area. That would make for a population density in N.Y.C. proper of over 110,000 people per square mile! Imagine that for a second and you’ll know what it’s like to live in Shanghai today. Now imagine Shanghai twenty years from now when China’s economy surpasses ours.

Imagine if California had 178 million people, Texas 117 million, Florida 84 million, Washington (state) 33 million. Do you think democracy could survive under that intense competition for resources? That’s modern-day China, and it only gets worse as the nation gains more wealth and demands more consumables. That’s why China is not our enemy but our partner out of necessity. We don’t have a choice between cooperation and stagnation with the Chinese, for the latter choice will certainly mean either the reversal of recent wealth creation or the end of humanity.

Our two nations must cooperate because the sheer size of our economies and populations means that mutual understanding not only benefits our own interests but the greater interest of the entire world. If we fight our fears, distrust, and cynicism, we can build a better global society with  the Chinese. It’s the only option, and I suppose people get nervous when they don’t have other options.

It’s a shame we don’t value education as much as our ‘enemies.’ Think a moment about how many people in the U.S. will learn Chinese compared to the number of Chinese learning English. Even in proportional terms the Chinese will have us beat. As the richest nation in the world, why can’t we do better?

Good luck, little girl, you’re going to need it.

Quit Patronizing Everyone…Please!

I used to want to be an architect. In some ways I still wish I could. If there were an Olympic competition for SimCity, I’d get gold medals in all events. I love geography, urban planning, etc. but certain personal circumstances called me in other directions, most likely for the better.

I toured the architecture school at the University of Washington two years ago and I frequently read about architecture-related news, etc. but what stopped me from pursuing this dream came down to two factors:

1. The economy

• I’m going to go back to school for nearly the length and tuition expense as a lawyer and doctor without the prospects of a job at the end?
• Furthermore, you’re  a complete underling for several years until you can get fully licensed and partner in a practice.
• Most architects barely make ends meet, contrary to popular opinion.

2. The “Reality” gap

• Don’t get me wrong, I love art, I’m a very artistic person but most architecture schools are far removed from the reality of 99% of design challenges; in my misanthropic opinion of course.
• In particular the Ivy League schools of design are the masters of floating out pipe dream buildings that will NEVER get built but get them brownie points at industry cocktail parties.

What ‘chu talkin’ ’bout Hillatrick?

Watch this video from [the only real journalist left at] CNN, Richard Quest. Specifically, pay attention to the eggshell foam-like shelter at 01:30. Who the hell would live in that? Even if it’s built, you’d have to be a bankruptcy attorney to be able to afford such a ‘trophy’ house.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2010/10/04/qmb.fc.la.cnn?hpt=C2

Furthermore, not to be a cynic or anything, but Los Angeles is done for. It’s got maybe two decades tops but after oil prices rise over $10 a gallon, Mel Gibson will bust out of the retirement home and become the real-life “Mad Max.” If an earthquake doesn’t bury the place, the oil-fueled sprawl/consumption culture that lies at the very heart of the city’s soul will eventually also be its own demise. Los Angeles, you’re your own worst enemy. And sad to say, Brenndin’s foamscicle house won’t save it.

Also, Richard files an excellent report but fails to really mention the demographics involved in the rush back into city centers. They’re rich. This is why I argue that this rush back to the urban center has little or no positive benefit on the environment for a couple of reasons.

1. A condo or apartment in any city center (unless its Detroit or Cleveland) will cost you an arm and a leg.
2. Many poor residents, via gentrification, have been forced out into the suburbs, causing even more White Flight further out into exurbia.
3. In our schizophrenic society, shorter commute times carry a heavy premium. What I mean is that you have to have more wealth to also have a short commute since most high paying jobs are conveniently concentrated around the highest-rent housing. Meanwhile, the poor masses get a ‘beater’ car and slog it out on the freeways for four hours a day.
4. In the case of Los Angeles, the sprawl may have slowed but not stopped. What about Palmdale? Victorville? If it weren’t for public lands, the entire Mojave Desert might be filled in all the way to Las Vegas with tract housing.

It reminds me of the scene in Back to the Future Part II when Marty McFly visits his old neighborhood in 2015 only to find it overrun by roving street gangs, causing chaos amongst the mostly abandoned houses. Shoot, welcome to 2010 dude! We don’t have any flying cars as promised, either.

In summary, I mean we have to get our heads out of the clouds and focus on practical solutions for the majority of people when it comes to urban redesign. Like these designs slated for the reconstruction of New Orleans…

http://iamnotarapperispit.com/2010/08/11/brad-pitt-commissions-designs-for-rebuilding-new-orleans-homes

…except I don’t know about the Cadillac CTS in the driveway. See, that’s New Orleans’ problem as well: chronic over reliance on the automobile. New Orleans should not be a city of single-family homes and grid-streets, the geography and climate fight against that. Instead, I believe that in addition to the ultra-compact, European-like French Quarter, most New Orleanians should live in mid-level or high rise buildings. I’m not advocating projects or Pruitt-Igoe type buildings but rather housing cooperatives and innovative social living ideas that have never been tried before in order to make high-density housing work. Also, when a hurricane comes you won’t have to evacuate as many people since they could theoretically shelter in place.

“But I have to roll up in my Caddy to the Seven-Eleven at three in the morning.”

See that’s the problem.

(skip to 3:15, it’s the best part)

See, now that I watch this I realize why I didn’t become an architect. The larger issues of society need to first be dealt with in order to really make amazing buildings and cities a reality. Minoru Yamasaki learned that lesson with Pruitt Igoe in St. Louis.

Balance of Payments Y’all

Thanks to my nearly equal use of my left and right brain I sometimes wonder what the shape of my future career will take. I have a diverse array of interests ranging from drawing cartoons to canoeing, skiing to politics, rollerskating to…data analysis? Yes, for some reason since a young age I’ve been drawn to data memorization and number crunching. In fact one of favorite books as a kid was the World Almanac. I would sit on my typewriter (it was 1994, give me a break) and type out the statistics related to skyscrapers, bridges, tunnels, in addition to various facts involving countries: GDP, population, form of government, etc. I guess today I’d be labeled as Autistic.

Well I had that kind of moment again today when I spontaneously made a spreadsheet and map of the U.S. diagramming trade deficits and surpluses by state (see above). Who does that? Seriously? It’s not getting me dates but hopefully it will someday get me a job.

So if you’re as nerdy as I am, you’re still on this page. Good, let me digress a little about the meaning of the above map. It’s interesting to note which states have a trade surplus:

• Alaska, Arizona, Nevada, West Virginia, and Utah have large mineral resources that are exported abroad, leading to their net surplus. Wyoming would too, I assume, if the majority of its coal and natural gas resources weren’t primarily consumed domestically. Oh, and if it had any kind of manufacturing infrastructure aside from the oil refinery in Sinclair.
• Nebraska, North Dakota, Iowa, Idaho, Wisconsin, and Vermont probably remain in the black by exporting a large degree of agricultural and processed food products; beef in Nebraska’s case and a combo of microchips, minerals, and potatoes in Idaho. Yes Timmy, they make microchips in Idaho.
• All the above exporter-strong states also (roughly) have a common thread: they’re fairly poor. I mean that the population in these states generally don’t possess the consumptive power to import more than they produce; i.e. they’re resource extraction economies. Possible exception: Wisconsin has a diverse industrial economy, it just produces more than it consumes.
• Oregon and Washington, the Northwest anomaly. I guess it’s because cheap hydropower enabled cost-effective manufacturing (Boeing) in conjunction with a tremendous agricultural output from the fertile Willamette River valley, the Puget Sound region, and the mass-irrigation farming of the previously desolate Columbia Basin. Don’t forget Pacific waters fishing, shipbuilding, forestry, and high-tech industry. Sounds great but that still doesn’t mean there are any jobs to be found.
• Alabama: High tech industry related to space exploration, forest products, and agribusiness combined with a low per capita income (equates to lower import rates).
• Florida: Well developed manufacturing base that still remains competitive due to state specific macroeconomic policies; high tech industry, lots and lots of military and defense related manufacturing.
• Vermont: Conservation conscious population that consumes very little compared to other states. Hardly any manufacturing, just pure resource extraction. Unless, of course, you count Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s and Vermont Teddy Bear.

The Importers…where did all the manufacturing go?

• California: What happened bro? There’s a huge amount of manufacturing and agribusiness in our most populated state but I suppose more and more of what Cali produces is being consumed domestically or intrastate.
• Texas: No surprise here. Remember Rick Perry’s new state motto: “A chicken in every pot, an Escalade in every garage.” That oil’s not coming from the Lone Star state for much longer, f.y.i.
• New Jersey surprised me a little. I thought if any state should be exporting more than it consumes it would be the Garden state, hence the name, right? With the sullied, hyper-industrial reputation of the Meadowlands, I thought Tony Soprano would be selling more chemicals and importing fewer Rolex watches.
• Okay, now I’m finally getting it. Do you see it yet? How every state with major seaports has a trade deficit (except Washington [Seattle, Tacoma], Oregon [Portland], Alabama [Mobile], and Florida [Jacksonville, Tampa, Miami]), could it be due to oil? Texas, Louisiana, California, New Jersey, New York, South Carolina, Georgia, and Massachusetts are all huge consumers of crude oil either for refining or heat oil. Once again, another illustration for the importance of energy independence (like Oregon and Washington).
• Looking at the data I also noticed that the United States’ current $500 billion + trade deficit was much worse in 2008 and 2007, before the economic recession. If anything, the recession may inevitably lead to a resurgence in American manufacturing. If the dollar stays in its meek state or continues to weaken, China finally raises its currency value, and the Euro restrengthens with the added catalyst of finally getting serious about building a Green economy, the U.S. may finally recover some of the millions of manufacturing jobs we’ve lost over the years. And maybe we’ll finally pay down some of the deficit by exporting once again.

Just some economic opinions for you cybercitizens to ponder.

*Data courtesy of the U.S. Census Bureau and the Office of the United States Trade Representative

汉语，好明天啊！Languages Make You Sparkle!

Normally when I watch the Daily Show, I can have a good laugh before bed and get a good night’s sleep. Not this time around. Of course, I found the humor in Aasif Mandvi’s excellent reporting but the fact that there are actually people in this country who would stand in the way of teaching Mandarin Chinese in public schools hit a deep nerve in my soul that has haunted me for years.

Before I begin my rant, check out the segment from the Daily Show:

Socialism-studies

I started learning foreign languages in the third grade. My elementary school had an after-school Spanish program taught by the Computer teacher who came from South America. After only three months in the program, the school district cut it for whatever reason. The kids were learning something, I guess.

Three years later, in the sixth grade, my mother pleaded with the school district to allow me to sit in on a Spanish night-class for adults. The district eventually caved in and I was allowed to take the class which mostly consisted of teachers and nurses trying to learn Spanish for their jobs. I thrived with the class material, the teacher liked me, the class enjoyed me, and I was able to keep up with people two, three, and four times my age. You’d think I’d get a trophy, right?

The class ended six weeks later and that was it for my foreign language exposure for another year, since f.l. classes weren’t taught until the ninth grade…except for one teacher. An old Mormon missionary, on the cusp of retirement, still hung on and persisted to teach Russian at my neighborhood high school. He also taught an elective class at the middle school that gave a brief introduction to Spanish, French, German, and Russian. Next to shop, it was my favorite class I ever had in the hell society calls middle school [or junior high]. Lucky for me though, the next trimester, the school district cut the class and the teacher retired and stopped teaching Russian at the high school. Naturally, the district didn’t seek a replacement. Who needs to know Russian?

Again, I had a year and a half devoid of foreign language which I proceeded to fill with hackeysack-related debauchery. That lasted until the school resource officer, jealous of my awesome ‘hack’ skills, threw my sack on the roof of the school. Finally in the ninth grade, I was allowed to take a real foreign language class along with the rest of the student body (actually only about 20% of the student body that chose to take foreign languages). Our remaining choices were French, Spanish, and German. Seeing as we were the only middle school out of five in my town to have German, I assumed a new and exciting challenge with the hope of eventually returning to Spanish someday.

That elective class really piqued my curiosity and desire to explore languages like an adventurer explores geographic features. Again, like Spanish, I quickly excelled with the German class. My friend and I were easily the top students even through we often drew deviant cartoons that had funny-sounding, made-up German catchphrases like “Böses Kaninchenfutter” or “verwöhnte Meerschweinchenangelegenheiten.”

I drew this over a serious of German classes. I meant to put “reifen” on the tire because that’s what it means in German; however, in my naivety I didn’t have the best vocabulary. Turns out “Reif” means either collar, frost, hoop, ripe, mellow, mature, or seasoned. Öl, however, does mean oil and MTBE is a toxic additive to gasoline.

Although I loved the class, I doodled out of boredom since 20 out of the 22 kids in the class didn’t care about German at all. In fact, we had to pleasure of sharing the class with the spoiled brat offspring of the town’s Audi/Volkswagen dealership. He never paid attention or did his homework in addition to fostering entertaining yet annoying spats with the teacher. I remember one day, he convinced this one girl in class (always on a perpetual diet despite being over six feet tall and having a slender figure) that water had a small amount of fat in it. “Water has fat in it? For reals?” Frightening.

The next year of high school I moved across the state and joined the German program at my new high school, the best public high school in the state; not saying much in a state which has the third worst public school system in the nation. We had this eccentric teacher who commuted 120 miles a day so she could live in isolation up in a mountain cabin. Still, she knew what she was talking about but the class was once again ruined by her meek inability to control her classroom. The colorful characters in this class included an hyperactive Chinese kid who was the son of local microchip baron, another kid (skater friend of mine) who was the living embodiment of Home Movies‘ Coach McGuirk. We also had “Miss can-do-everything” who was in training for the U.S. Olympic Ski Team, working part-time at the local ski hill, salsa dancing, and taking all AP classes. In fact she missed a couple of days of class and came back in crutches. We asked what happened and she simply said, “drove my jeep off a cliff on the way to work. No big deal. I’m okay.”

Always pay attention to the morning announcements! ALWAYS! It changed my life since the school announced tryouts for a scholarship to live in Germany. Of course I tried out and interviewed; they chose me because only four kids from the entire state of Idaho showed up to compete. Then they proceeded to further vet me with a very religious Armenian immigrant who kept trying to find some way to disqualify me from my scholarship. Finally, he cornered me, looked straight into my eyes and sternly said, “just remember not to do drugs, have sex, or drink.” In my head I thought no problem with the first two but no drinking? I’m going to Germany and I’m not supposed to drink?

It was tough to leave my family at such a tender age but I went abroad knowing that my family agreed it was the best thing for me to do. What would another year of high school in Idaho done for me? I was truly blessed to have lived with an amazing host family, met many new friends, had wonderful teachers, and all the while built up my shattered self-confidence by proving, at age 15, that I could achieve the impossible. That’s the greatest gift any teenager could receive and something that our public school system fails to understand.

Never seen anything this creative in America's big cities, thanks Düsseldorf

Coming back home it didn’t matter to my high school that I completed eight difficult classes in a foreign nation in a language I barely understood or that I met the Chancellor and prominent members of the German parliament, not to mention my continuous positive representation of my country. No, they weren’t sure if I needed to repeat my year of high school. It seems especially ironic now because careless budget cuts have the school districts literally kicking kids out the door early. I had doors slammed in my face, the local school board president tell me to “go to hell,” and no matter how many letters on my behalf streamed into their offices from my school in Germany, the State Department, or the federal Department of Education, didn’t matter. “Local Control” finally dictated that my German grades (which are on a number scale of one to six) be translated in our letter system, leaving me with a 2.3 G.P.A. my junior year of high school despite being a 4.0 student my entire public school career.

Go ahead and call me bitter because I am. I represented my country, my state, my town, my school all in a positive light to some of the most prominent people in a foreign nation but I should have known that the wise thing to do would be to simply get in line and get a fast-food job to pay for my clunker car and my prom date’s dress. No. That’s not who I am. I’m eternally grateful for the loving presence of my family who got me through that devastating time; teaching me to never give up, always fight for what I believe in. However, my knowledge of German also carried me through that rough time because it always reminded me of what I’m capable of achieving.

Wer knows vat fun avaits at the HappyHappyDingDong!!!

So I went off to college and immediately looked forward to studying more foreign languages. I tested out of the first year of German and decided to look for a new challenge. Spanish? Once again, I decided to chose the exotic route with Chinese. Too many animé freaks taking Japanese! Actually, I took Chinese because I was afraid the school was going to cut the entire program because so few people were signing up for it. I admit, I was terrified. German has many commonalities with English but Chinese, this was the King Kong of foreign languages.

I didn’t know a damn thing about the Chinese language. I’d been looking at maps of China for years as an amateur geographer but I never knew how to properly pronounce the place names. I knew nothing, not even how to read or write those crazy characters. Yet I had the good fortune of living on a Chinese/Japanese theme floor in the dormitory and having a great roommate from Taiwan. He taught me many great things but mainly how awesome Taiwan is.

To my surprise, I excelled in Chinese earning myself a scholarship from the P.R.C. government to study abroad in Beijing. Again, an experience I’m eternally grateful for. China has a multitude of societal and environmental problems but it also has a rich history that we could learn a great deal from. That’s why, when I saw that sketch on the Daily Show about these people who didn’t want Chinese being taught in their public schools, I almost spontaneously combusted with outrage.

Take it from me, there’s hardly anything in modern China that reminds one of communism. Never have I seen so much blatant capitalism; if only J.P. Morgan or Henry Ford could see China today, they’d be in hog heaven. Somehow the new China manages to be both frightening and promising and I would have remained ignorant of it all if I hadn’t studied their language. So why are we fighting this? Why does the Chinese government pay to teach its language abroad and give thousands of students around the world generous scholarships. Why would they invite all these foreigners into their nation if they weren’t ready to do business?

Why would communists display such bourgeois excess like a Formula 1 racecar?

Apparently we, the ultimate capitalists, don’t feel the same way. Since September 11th, we’re not sure who we can trust: we’re not sure who’s with us or against us. China doesn’t care: I’ve never come in contact with so many foreigners as in Beijing. I roomed with a guy from Kyrgyzstan, I lived across the hall from folks from the Ivory Coast and Benin. I had classes with women from the Sudan (they weren’t too friendly), I regularly ate lamb kabobs from a Tajik restaurant with Uiguhr waitresses. The neighborhood I lived in had over 160,000 North and South Korean residents in addition to all the piggish, white foreign men who reveled in their easy “China girl” hookups who wouldn’t give them the time of day in the Western world. It may not be ethical to have cozy relations with Iran, Burma, North Korea, and other nefarious governments but China definitely sees past political rhetoric straight to the bottom line. So why is it that we’re still calling them communists?

The past and future in Xi'an

Upon returning to college, I continued to learn a the basics of Japanese (thanks to an ex-girlfriend) and some Arabic. I became frustrated at the college bureaucracy as well because the business school curriculum only demanded one year of foreign languages which I consider to be too little. One must study a language for at least two years in order to institute what I call the “bicycle effect,” in which the basic structures of the language become like riding a bicycle: you’ll never forget how to do after a certain amount of practice. We need to have our own domestic Confucius Institute that will teach a multitude of foreign languages so America is ready to compete. However, given my constant struggle to convince people (mostly much older than me) that language study is the key to a prosperous and peaceful future, I’m afraid it may already be too late for us.

As I write this hundreds of thousands if not millions of Chinese people are learning English, German, French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Japanese, Korean, Persian, Arabic, Hindi, Malay, Bahasa Indonesia, Thai, Vietnamese, Tagalog, Dutch, Portuguese, Turkish, etc. Why? Nothing brings two people of different cultures together more than learning the other’s language. It’s a sign of respect, showing that you were willing to devote the enormous amount of time and energy necessary to communicate in a foreign land. Take it from me, I know what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, our politicians and school district “leaders” don’t.

Let’s change that by promoting more foreign languages in our schools! Shhh! Just don’t tell Arizona.

Check out these links:

• Confucius Institute
• Han Yu Shui Ping Kao Shi (HSK) Test
• Goethe Institute
• University of Tennessee-Importance of Knowing French
• Center for Applied Linguistics
• Public School Review, Benefits of Learning Foreign Languages
• New York Chinese Language Schools
• Find a Bilingual Immersion School near you

There are many other links and organizations out there from a multitude of nations and governments but the above should act as a good primer, supporting my argument for the implementation of a national foreign language requirement for all public school students.

You listening Gates Foundation? I truly believe that if you take underprivileged students in the first grade and start teaching them a language, their English writing and reading abilities will improve, their math skills will improve, and they will reward themselves with increased self-confidence, leading to the eventual ability to refuse drugs, gangs, and peer pressure. That’s just my two cents.

Beckosaurus Rex

Sometimes when I need a moment of levity, I tune in to the Glenn Beck show with the same glee as a stereotypical 1950s kid rushing to hear The Shadow on his transistor radio. Well, today lacked the usual sense of delight for the usual tsunami of humorous folly failed to materialize.

On the June 30th, 2010 edition of the program, Glenn immediately jumped to a recap of the recently concluded G-20 Summit in Toronto. First off, he pointed out that G-20 security (sounds like a hip-hop group doesn’t it?) cost Canadian taxpayers over $1 billion. That’s reason enough for me to make some signs and join the protesters but that’s a discussion for another time. I hate it when I actually agree with the man, spending $1 billion dollars on security for world leaders while they discuss fiscal responsibility is undeniably ironic.

However, while Glenn’s “marxism alarm” went off so did my “Bullspitometer.” Professor Beck then rolled a clip of President Obama stating:

A strong and durable recovery also requires countries not having an undue advantage…. I think we all have the same interest, and that is the United States can compete with anybody as long we’ve got an even playing field.

Look, I believe any rational person would construe this as meaning that it’s vital to world economic stability to foster an environment of mutual trust amongst trade partners. No one in the world community shall be allowed to undervalue (China) their currency or maliciously instigate undue tariffs or taxes. Furthermore, a marxist wouldn’t say that the United States can compete with anyone. Marxists hate competition because competition and free trade are inherently bourgeois, and thus, capitalist. If Obama were actually a marxist revolutionary he wouldn’t be at the G-20 at all let alone president of the ‘free market’, ‘laissez-faire’ United States of America!

At this point I knew the Professor and I were heading down different interpretative paths, so to speak. This time he wheeled out the chalkboard, a.k.a. “Chalky McChalkerson”  or “Blackson Pollock” as I’d like to imagine him naming it. On the board, his staff had created a makeshift chart roughly comparing the “average salaries” several nations (despite average per capita gross domestic products being a more accurate description but it’s not my show).

According to his website, these were the nations compared:

• Switzerland: $55,510
• United States: $47,930
• Germany: $42,710
• Greece: $28,400
• Russia: $9,660
• Mexico: $9,990
• Venezuela: $9,230
• Brazil: $7,300
• China: $2,940
• Bolivia: $1,460
• India: $1,040
• Haiti: $975
• Kenya: $730
• Cambodia: $640
• Bangladesh: $520

Now, I’m guessing that Beck used figures that are actually measures of per capita gross domestic product and dumbed that down to “average salary.” I don’t want to debate the semantics, I’ll just go with it for now. However, this is not an honest presentation of the complete picture. Nominal (not adjusted for inflation) per capita GDP figures do not accurately describe the true earning power each nation’s average denizens possess. For that, the honest man, must explain the concept of Purchasing Power Parity or P.P.P.

Here’s the purchasing power parity of the previously mentioned nations, according to data from the Central Intelligence Agency:

• Switzerland: $41,700
• United States: $46,400
• Germany: $34,100
• Greece: $32,100
• Russia: $15,100
• Mexico: $13,500
• Venezuela: $13,100
• Brazil: $10,200
• China: $6,600
• Bolivia: $4,600
• India: $3,100
• Haiti: $1,300
• Kenya: $1,600
• Cambodia: $1,900
• Bangladesh: $1,600

Wow, those numbers look different don’t they? The world seems slightly…richer. Not quite, what this shows is the amount of goods and services each person in said nation could purchase with their local currency [per annum], translated in terms of U.S. dollars. In other words, the average Bangladeshi could purchase $1,600 US dollars (111,600 Taka)* worth of goods and services in Bangladesh per year, meaning they roughly live on $4.38 per day. That’s still damn poor but perhaps not as bad as one may previously have imagined, and the real cost of a meal or other basic services will cost Bangladeshis much less than they cost us in the United States. Keep in mind, however, that $4.38 per day is the average, meaning roughly half of all Bangladeshis earn less than $4.00 per day. Ditto for Kenya.* On the plus side, we’re actually wealthier than the Swiss . *(Xe.com)

What bothered me is Beck kept emphasizing Kenya, I suppose throwing a bone to the “Birther” conspiracy crowd. Yes, Kenya is poor but like most nations it has various degrees of wealth. And no, Obama wasn’t born in Kenya and he doesn’t want to turn the United States into an [materially but not culturally] impoverished nation. What the United States and Kenya do share is a similar degree of economic inequality. In fact, the United States has a greater degree of income inequality than Kenya, 45 to 42.5 Gini coefficients (C.I.A.), respectively. Prof. didn’t mention that little detail.

This income inequality distorts Beck’s picture of American wealth because the majority of Americans do not make $46,000 or so per year. On the contrary, the rich tend to be getting richer (in Kenya as well) which conversely means that the poor must be getting poorer; just as in physics, I’d argue, wealth cannot be created nor destroyed. Beck says “Between 1974 and 2004 households earning less than $75,000 a year decreased by 10.1 percent, while those earning more than $75,000 increased by about the same amount.” I suppose this is true but don’t overlook the fact that while ten percent more households became wealthier, the number of households increased by about 45,000,000 households in the same amount of time. Therefore, I’d argue that only 5-6% of households became richer. It’s hard to say with Professor Beck’s lack of citations or footnotes but I stand by my math.

[1974 pop estimate: 183 million, 2004: 296 million. 2000 U.S. Census definition of household = 2.56 persons. Population increased by a factor of  1.6174, conversely 10% in 1974 becomes 6.182% in 2004. ]

Continuing the Islamo-Obama-Marxist conspiracy to completely equalize the world’s wealth, Robin Hood style I hope, Doc Beck warned “Imagine America, what your life will be like when everyone in the world makes $14,602.” Well, it might suck for Tom Cruise and Lady Gaga but at least we could take comfort that no one in the world would continue to die of starvation, poverty, or curable disease, right? Right?

Just when I thought today’s lesson couldn’t get anymore informative, Herr Doktor Professor Beck (he was doing his German accent again) lambasted Al Gore’s [in]famous scissor-lift chart demonstration from the movie An Inconvenient Truth. Except this time around, he showed a line of world prosperity dating back to 5,000 (as he emphasized) Before Christ. Pretty stunning chart, it showed a nearly straight line until about 1800 A.D. in which the line suddenly shot skyward, exponentially like the number of new Tea Party chapters.

“I wonder what was going on around 1800 that would cause this sudden jump in wealth?” Um, the Industrial Revolution. You’re going to say the Industrial Revolution, right? “Hmm, I can’t think of anything. Was that when Pets.com was invented or the Segway? It was either that or, I don’t know, America and the free market arrived.”

[hand raising] Professor! Excuse me, professor! Didn’t the “free market” pre-date 1800 and the United States? Wasn’t it true that during that time, America had a fledgling manufacturing economy that could barely provide for its own needs due to the devastation and debt from the Revolutionary War, not to mention to soon to come War of 1812? Wasn’t it true that Great Britain, France, and other parts of Western Europe were far ahead of the United States in terms of industrial development and financial institutions? Remember that until after the Revolution, each state had separate currencies and therefore, large degrees of economic disparity. In fact, professor, I would suggest that the United States didn’t emerge as a great, prosperous industrial power until the Civil War era. And besides, we cheated…remember slavery? Now it’s indisputable that the United States has led worldwide economic growth for nearly 150 years. We invented and perfected many of the world’s great industrial innovations but to say that America is solely responsible for the world’s prosperity is utterly nonsensical, particularly at one moment in the year 1800 or so.

Here, take a look at this nifty chart I made of world nominal GDP rates from 1960 to 2008 courtesy of Google and the World Bank: click here. Notice how world GDP has skyrocketed in the last decade? Sure, it’s fallen a bit since the 2008 financial crisis (our bad) but it’s also undeniable that the last decade produced a great degree of newfound wealth-worldwide, not to mention that the U.S. is still the world’s dominate economic power…for now. You see Glenn, you are witnessing the rise of the developing world. This chart shows that the world’s top economics, the “rich guys,” when added together would roughly equal a quarter of world GDP. The world doesn’t need “Comrade Obamski” to level out the playing field, the developing nations are accomplishing that on their own; they’re doing it on the heels of the global free trade movement. The question remains, does the world have enough resources to sustain these hungry newcomers? We’re certainly not too keen on giving up our Escalades, private jets, and KFC Double Downs.

Moreover, I believe most economists would agree that constant growth or ever-growing GDP is not necessary all good. Sure, the US GDP has increased nine-fold over Glenn Beck’s lifetime but are we better off? Look at the obesity crisis, suburban sprawl, dependence on foreign oil, toxic waste, time wasted commuting, high rates of depression and mental illness, and other ills of the developed world. No, perhaps, our ultimate economic aim should be stability. Maybe economics should take into account intangible factors such as happiness. Maybe we need to focus on ensuring the basics for every human being: clean water, healthy/nutritious food supply, access to economic and occupational opportunity, universal health care, and access to education. If every person on earth had these basic essentials, we wouldn’t need to worry about GDP figures anymore, we’d all be proverbial fishermen.

What profoundly bothered me the most, enough to write this blog were these two statements:

America, you’ve gone and got a little greedy there. Look the globe: This guy here in Cambodia is making a dollar. Time to be a good global citizen and fork it over.

…the global elites and this administration want to see the wealth spread and they also want to devolve the country. They want to see the globe equal.

By simply believing that this nation has become overburdened by material excess, that we have destroyed our own middle class by enabling limitless wealth for an elite few, I want to devolve the country? So you’re saying it’s okay to teach our children that it’s okay to consume over four times as many resources as the rest of the world, it’s okay to consume and waste more energy and produce more garbage than anyone else? How is that ethical? How is that…Christian? Prosperity is not solely measured in terms of money, maybe we need to remember that. Wouldn’t Jesus ask  us what we’re doing to ensure prosperity for all of God’s children, not just the few, not just Americans.

I want to see an equal globe, a world that provides equal economic and developmental opportunity for everyone, regardless of race, gender, age, belief, or sexual orientation. It’s why I love geography and economics, it’s why I study these fields in order to find pathways to my naïve Utopian ideal. Some of history’s greatest leaders also visualized some form of Utopia but as someone who so frequently quotes Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi, you should know that by now.

Silly me, I guess I’m sounding like a socialist (like M.L.K. and Gandhi were). Shoot, must of been all that social justice teachin’ I heard in church. Let’s re-cap today’s lecture:

• The United States is God’s promised country
• No need to give any aid to any other nation, ever again!
• Social Darwinism is your friend
• Might as well disband U.S.A.I.D. and the State Department because every country should know by now that you “don’t mess with Texas!”
• The Peace Corps is for commies
• Al Gore has a secret lair of doom à la Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies
• ACORN and Van Jones are working on a secret plan to re-route the total sum of Forbes’ Wealthiest Americans’ bank accounts directly into George Soros charities.
• Jesus and George Washington crossed the Delaware River and beat the Hessians into submission with teabags.
• BUY MORE GOLD!

Ah, just another day in the glorious nation of Beckanistan!

06/30/2010 Show Transcript

Techno Tirade

The first album I actually paid money for was Hello Nasty by the Beastie Boys. The second album was You’ve Come A Long Way Baby by Fatboy Slim. Okay, make fun of me all you want but it was 1999 and I was in junior high. Give me a break!

My point being, those two albums opened me up to the vastly undervalued world of electronic music. It also served to socially isolate me further because absolutely no one listens to techno in Idaho. So the other day, while posting more blog links to my Facebook page, I noticed a friend of mine trashing this band called Owl City. I looked into it because I immediately confused it with this guys from The Owls in this New York Times article I happened to be reading at the same time. But I’ll have to save a tirade about Hipsters for another day.

First of all, if you’re an Owl City virgin like I was, take a whiff of this:

Now either you loved that or (like me) hated it. Me, being the consummate curmudgeon that I am find offense with Owl City because it dehumanizes techno. It’s like the white bread of electronic music, it leaves you hungry and diabetic. It’s a zero-sum game, in other words. “Aw, that’s way too harsh Hillatrick!” Really? Let’s analyze this one, shall we?

Let’s break out the bullet points here.

• The lyrics could have been written by a sixth grader. Sorry, this wouldn’t have gotten above a B in my middle school English class. (keep in mind I went to public school in Idaho)
• I lived in Seattle for five years. Don’t let the mountains, ocean, lakes, rivers, overall natural beauty fool you. Seattle sucks but we have to deal it with because Microsoft’s there. Unless you have bags of money, you’re going to be stuck in traffic and have transients peeing on your bedroom window like any schmuck in Denver, Houston, or anywhere USA. By the way, the ocean’s filled with carcinogens and PCBs (I know, I volunteered on environmental clean-up projects), while riding the ferry I often saw raw sewage discharged from yachts, Seattle has the world’s highest rates of Multiple Sclerosis for some unknown reason, it also has alarmingly high rates of Polybrominated diphenylethers (PBDEs) in women’s breast milk. That’s right, all the mommas in Seattle have toxic fire retardants in their hoohahs. Finally, if you’re poor and live amongst a bunch of other poor people it takes away some of the psychological stress of being poor but if the world’s richest man lives across the lake, it stinks.
• The “mountaineers” around Seattle, clear-cut the forest.
• If you fall asleep in hospital parking lots, I don’t want you waking up in my house.
• Manta rays (not “manteray”) don’t live in the Puget Sound. They’re mostly found in warmer ocean waters. The giant octopus does and he’ll beat your ass.
• “Disguise myself as a sleeping pill and descend inside you,” that’s creeping me out. Please go away!
• The user who posted the video says “just found out adam young is a christian inspired musician which is amazing.” My misanthrope flags are waving! Let’s investigate.

Having studied the history of techno, I’ve never known or thought about (or wanted to think about) marrying Christianity to techno. Since most modern dance music falls into the modern techno category, I always thought of it being a uniting medium. Everybody likes to dance! Why throw religion and politics into it?

Let’s go back to the beginning. In the 1960s, somewhere in a Germany laboratory Karlheinz Stockhausen applied the cold precision of brutalism to music.

I like to think of him as the Klaus Kinski of music. Yet he inspired the ultra-strange Kraftwerk.

Many beloved rock and pop hits of the 1960s had elements of electronic sound engineering fused in their fabric. Think about Jimi Hendrix’s famous distorted guitar solos,Peter Frampton, and even the Beatles.

Some breakthroughs came through early sci-fi television series such as the BBC’s Dr. Who:

Elements of electronic music quickly popped up in the 1970s with various samples fueling the rise of funk and disco which depended on the newly-found backbone of synthesizers. However, the 1980s was the prime decade of electro-experimentation. I wasn’t alive at the time but the ancient techno scrolls tell me that it all started with the Human League.

Shortly thereafter came the genius of Gary Numan:

Followed up the incredible coolness and Gods of Nerd Rock (and one-hit-wonders), Flock of Seagulls.

Then came the mighty Devo with their weird plastic hats and sexual innuendo. By the way, lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh went on to compose the oddball music for the cartoon Rugrats.

How about Laurie Anderson? Incredibly beautiful and incredibly talented.

Remember Art of Noise?

Don’t forget David Bowie!

Admit it, you liked something about Tears for Fears. And if you weren’t as cool as me and didn’t know about them in preschool, then you certainly became aware of them after the movie Donnie Darko.

Rock me Amadeus!

Hold on buckaroo! You Can’t forget the theme music from Beverley Hills Cop.

However, my favorite 80s techno group would without a doubt be the bizarre duo of millionaire Swiss golfer Dieter Meier and Boris Blank. These guys basically created their own genre of music (and over 100,000 original sounds), one of the most successful implementations of an original sound I’ve ever heard. Plus, they were in Ferris Bueller’s Day Offdude! Remember this song in the last scene where the disgraced principal has to get on the school bus? Ha, ha, ha-larity.

Of course, I can’t leave out the electronic roots of hip hop, like Africa Bambaataa!

Or Herbie Hancock

In fact the electronic or synthetic background composes the majority of hip-hop, rap, and R & B songs. Pay attention to what I mean.

See? Totally artificial. But I guess when you can throw Benjamins around da club, you probably don’t care.

The 80s ended on a down note with a bunch of cookie-cutter R & B-pop-electro-dance garbage like Millie Vanilli and C & C Music Factory. I’ll just skip over that part. By the way, the only notable electro-pop song of the early nineties was this:

And thus ended a mini-era of electro progress, bludgeoned into a coma by the boot-stompin’, mood swingin’ scourge of Grunge (Although I still hold Pearl Jam and Nirvana in a really high regard) and the boot scootin’ of Billy Ray Cyrus. That was until the Summer of ’99 when I bought that Fatboy Slim CD. All of a sudden, techno was cool again…somehow.

Actually, I bought the album for this song which I contend is much better.

“I have to praise you.”

I remember trying to watch that video on the Astralwerks website with dial-up; took about 20 minutes to load. Memories. Well, shortly after FBS came a much cooler, creepier, scarier duo out of Vegas that more or less invented the genre of trip-hop: The Crystal Method.

Just when I got goosebumps from the Method, a friend managed to scare the hell out of me with the surreal creepiness of Aphex Twin.

Still not creeped out? Try some Massive Attack.

Remember that Mitsubishi commercial that introduced everyone to Dirty Vegas? What a one-hit wonder.

Who could forget the cross-techno dance and trip-hop talents of Daft Punk? I’d thought I’d never say it but…thank you France.

The only redeeming factor of the 2000s was the fact it inadvertently became a golden age of electro-experimentation. We didn’t notice it too much in the U.S. aside from certain dance clubs but in Europe and Asia, techno exploded in popularity almost to the point of ad nauseum.

The activist spirit of Faithless (plus the egotism of Maxi Jazz contrasted by the hotness of Dido’s sister).

The experimental mystery of Timo Maas’ original sound.

The boundless creativity of the Brothers Chemical.

The cool Norwegian hipness of Röyksopp

The hip dance anthems of Cassius [and Narcotic Thrust], thank you again France [and England].

The eccentric disco-funk Francophone remixers known as Dax Riders

Sweden’s Steve Angello

The kinkiness of Armand van Helden

Plus a great example of how electronic music can inspire other art, in this case incredible dance moves instead of just quiet brooding in your room with your hoodie on.

Techno formed a ’dark’ side too, demonstrated by these selected examples from Europe.

To combat plastic pop came the Excalibur of progressive dance/house/electronica: Basement Jaxx.

Potential music video to sum up the “Bush Doctrine” don’t you think?

I aspire to come close to the creativity they possess!

Anyway, after a brief dissolution of the techno scene during the early Bush Jr. years, I remain hopeful again that a new generation has taken the genre beyond repetitive drum loops and recurrent lyrics. Take a gander:

So there you have it, Owl City, I hope I enlightened you a little bit. I just want to help you expand your musical horizons a little and not seem like a total regurgitation of the Postal Service. Unless, of course, that’s what you want to be. Also, I’m willing to accept the Christian influence of your muzak only if you keep it ecumenical. I’m still having trouble trying to conceptualize ‘Christian techno’ because I always saw techno as a genre of music geared toward everyone. In other words…dance music can’t discriminate.

Furthermore, the videos I’ve highlighted are only a smattering of what truly compromises “electronic music” however one wishes to define it. I just want to show that there are so many possibilities to this genre, so many chances to create something groundbreaking, something that actually furthers the evolution of humanity. We are so lucky to live in a time when almost anyone with some basic talent can drop under $500 on some computer software, a mixer, and turntable, and create sounds, rhythms, and harmonies, beyond the grasp of every other generation in history. Explore not imitate!!!

I’m keeping my eye on you, Owl City.

Canadian Dysfunction

Wow, those Olympics in Vancouver were great, weren’t they? Well, one thing I don’t think NBC shared with us is the beauty of Canadian humor. However, until I recent visit to our amigos at Fail Blog I didn’t realize that Canadian humor imitates life.

celebration-fail

The second I read this, I immediately thought of Nova Scotia’s home-grown heroes: the Trailer Park Boys.

Check it out, it’s a really funny show and you can’t see it in the U.S. because it has too many swears.

You Won’t Like Me When I’m Angry

Since President Obama really seems to be getting fired up about health care, rumor has it he’s passed the word down to all the top Democrats to get serious, and get MAD!

It’s working pretty well for everyone but Harry Reid had a little trouble given his normally meek persona.

According to his biography, Mr. Reid used to be a…BOXER? Boxer, okay. President Obama, equally stunned decided to draw up a YouTube video playlist that would get Harry back into his fighting spirit.

After these two videos, Harry went on to watch dozens more by Prodigy, Korn, Insane Clown Posse, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit, Marylin Manson, Linkin Park, and other contemporary hard-rock classics. This was the result:

How you like me now Nevada?

With the new, agitated Harry Reid and his latent superpowers we’re expecting the health care reform package to get passed and signed by the end of 2012.

Postal Commercial Trouble

The Post Office is in big trouble, $3 billion in debt. I admit that their flat-rate shipping policies are great but don’t you think they could save some money but not cranking out so many lame commercials? Those have got to cost a pretty penny because they’re on every channel, ALL THE TIME.

Recently they had this straightforward flat-rate-box commercial. Nothing to complain about except one thing: This fat, slobby guy. I kind of feel sorry for him because the ad pigeonholes him as the representation of lazy Americans unsure of any new venture that may require more effort than getting in and out of the Escalade.

“But shipping’s a hassle.”

Now with a fat voice: “Burt Schippungs er hasthel.”

Now here’s the commercial with a clever edit from someone on YouTube. I couldn’t stop laughing because now I think it’s 1000% better. Put this on TV, USPS, and watch the ca$h roll in. Someone commented underneath the video: “It’s just annoying to me, but my 8-year-old thought it was hilarious. There’s your demographic.” Fine, then. I have a sense of humor equivalent to an 8-year-old, so I guess your 8-year-old is a Brazilian genius-baby that can speak three languages and do improv comedy. I apologize that my sense of humor is not as high-brow as Sir Dennis Miller, Esquire. Or would you prefer Greg Gutfeld?

Here’s the other weird clown commercial they’ve recently released now they’ve tired of fat discrimination and have a new craving for clown discrimination. What will they hate next?

By the way, what happened to UPS? When they did get taken over by hipster-pandering yuppies? What am I talking about? Look at the new UPS Whiteboard commercials:

The Postal Service for music? Are you serious? That’s what I listen to when I can’t get to sleep not when I’m talking about international shipping. UPS has been wussified.

There’s a bunch of parody’s up on the interwebs but I haven’t found any that are particularly good.

Not only that, am I the only one who’s noticed all this sappy-feel good music on commercials all of a sudden. Everything, every commercial from Neosporin to CSX freight to Stayfree maxi-pads. The ukuleles must be flying off the shelves because they all have ukuleles + hand clapping + triangles + xylophones + rhythm guitar + some jerk (or jerkette) blithering “la la la laaa la la la la la” or “dee dee dee doo dee deeeeeeee deeee.” No lyrics necessary. I’m trying to find some examples online but no one’s uploaded any of the commercials I’m talking about yet. So I’ll keep looking and hopefully find one soon before everyone thinks I’m some misanthropic curmudgeon.

But nothing could be more ridiculous than the recent Miracle Whip ads:

It’s MAYONNAISE! It’s a condiment not a way of life!

Oh God, this just reminded me of the WORST commercial I’ve ever seen, from Levis of course.

Way to screw up Walt Whitman for all of us, thanks. I feel physically dirty just watching this like I need to go take a shower. I just got three infections from watching this. Why’s everyone so panicked, dirty, and sweaty? They’ve got nothing to worry about living off of their trust funds. Does this commercial just prove to me that you just finished your $120,000 literary arts degree from Dartmouth which you’ll only use to impress fellow dowagers at Nantucket cocktail parties after Daddy tells you to grow up and marry the new towel boy at Skull and Bones? That’s what I thought. Besides, I learned growing up not to share my pants with anyone.

Here’s the other that portrays America like it’s some paradise of nihilism. Maybe it is? Time to write my thesis.

What happened Levis? You used to have cool commercials like this one:

Thank you Spike Jonze.

Just for fun, I thought this was hilarious because this guy is me. The only difference is I’m not listening to Celine Deon, more likely David Bowie, Talking Heads, Crystal Method, and James Brown. But no one pays attention to those geniuses anymore, not when we’ve got the Killers.

Oh man, here comes Idaho

Well, just when I thought wacky Idaho’s reputation couldn’t get anymore tarnished…another “gem” from the Gem State unleashes its downhomeness on the world.

‘Let’s review Idaho embarrassments over the years.

1899: Governor Frank Steunenberg declaring martial law and calling in the national guard to forcibly quell a mine uprising leading to his eventual assassination.

1955: The Boys of Boise Scandal in which a shady underground of homosexual activity involving prominent members of the community rocked the state and nation, creating a national dialogue about the suppression of gay rights. Unfortunately, the scandal set back the gay rights movement for years as the local media ignorantly confused homosexual behavior with child molestation. A documentary of the incident has since been made.

1961: SL-1 experimental reactor explosion. America’s first fatal nuclear accident.

1976: The Teton Dam disaster. One of the worst engineering failures in world history occurred when the 305ft tall earthen dam crumbled into ruins and flooding tens of thousands of square miles of valuable farmland. Good thing the state’s so sparsely populated. Also, to show how no one knows anything about or pays any attention to Idaho, check out this CNN article where they cited the wrong river. It was built on the Teton River not the Snake, get your facts straight.

1977: The singer and spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission, Anita Bryant, spoke out in Sun Valley against homosexual rights spurring a nation-wide boycott of orange juice.

1978: The Mud Lake “Bunny Bash” receives international attention and condemnation from animal rights activists since it’s a local gathering in which everybody kills as many rabbits as they can with hockey sticks. Apparently it’s still happening as I found with this amazing blog post somewhere out there in the interwebs (please note the parts I’ve underlined):

Bring Out The Guns

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 01 2007 – 02:23 AM
Mud Lake Annual Bunny Bash
WELL FOLKS THE LAKE WILL BE DRY AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME FOR OUR ANNUAL SUMMER

BUNNYBASH AND WHEELER POLO AND MOTORCYCLE HOCKY MATCH. ——— THE ENTRY FEE WILL BE $60.00THIS YEAR. PRICE OF HAULING FUEL IS UP THIS YEAR.————————————————————PRIZE MONEY TOTAL POT WILL BE 50% OF THE TOTAL ENTRY FEES COLLECTED.—————HOCKY STICKS ON SALE AT START LINE ANDJR’S GAS STATION AND WALL-MART IN TOWN—-TEAM AND DRIVERS MEETING THE NIGHT BEFOREYOUR EVENT AT BIG BUCKS TAVERN——SMALL BORE BIKES AT 8:OO A.M.——————BIG BORE BIKESAT 11:00 A.M.——————HALF TON TRUCKS AT 1:00 P.M.——————-3/4 TON TRUCKS AT 3:OO P.M.——————-ALL OTHERS (INCLUDING AIRCRAFT)——————-SUN DOWN TOMIDNIGHT—————————————————————————————RULES— THERE ARE NONE —————-THEOBJECT IS TO HAVE FUN WHILE DOING GODS WORK AND RIDDING THIS FARMLAND OF THESE PESTSTHAT TRY TO EAT US OUT OF OUR CASH CROP EACH FALL. NO RABBETS SHALL BE LEFT ON THELAKE BED AT THE END OF THE EVENT. WINNERS WEIGH IN IS AT THE SCALES AT THE SOUTH SHORELINE—-WEIGHTS WILL BE RECORDED IN BASH MASTERS LOG BOOK FOR EACH TEAM/ENTRY——PLEASENOTE THAT THE MONEY FROM SALE OF HOCKY STICKS GOES TO THE HIGH SCHOOL INDUSTRIALARTS DEPT OF MUD LAKE HIGH SCHOOL DISTRICT. THE COST OF THIS EVENT IS TAX DEDUCTABLEONLY IN THE STATE OF IDAHO

 

1979: Representative George V. Hansen personally travels to Tehran, Iran at the height of the hostage crisis to negotiate the freedom of the American detainees. Now he helps produce crazy right-wing conspiracy videos that compare Bill Clinton to Adolf Hitler.

1992: The Ruby Ridge standoff between the Weaver family and the FBI, ATF. Barricading your family in your house with a cache of automatic weapons is usually not the best way to negotiate with federal officials.

1992: According to SourceWatch and the Idaho Statesman archives lieutenant governor “Butch” Otter did the following:

Otter was pulled over on Interstate 84 near Meridian, Idaho for suspicion of driving under the influence. He claimed the arresting officer observed him swerving was he was reaching for his cowboy hat, which had been blown off by the wind in his open car.

Otter offered several excuses for failing the field sobriety test including: his stocking feet were stung by weeds and gravel, he had run eight miles and his knee hurt, he was hungry, and that he had soaked his chewing tobacco in Jack Daniels.

A jury convicted Otter in 1993. He was sentenced to 72 hours of community service and 16 hours at an alcohol treatment program. This incident allegedly forced Otter to abandon an anticipated run for governor in 1994 and instead seek re-election for lieutenant governor [which he won two more times].

Way to go Idaho voting public (particularly you dopes in District #1), you voted a convicted drunk driver into office…four times.

1990s: Bo Gritz tries to run for various political offices until he chooses David Duke as his running mate; the guy who thinks “voluntary segregation” between races is okay. At that point even Idaho gets fed up with Gritz, he now lives in Nevada.

1995: Ligertown! An eccentric couple living in Lava Hot Springs decided to raise and breed dozens of ligers (tigress-lion hybrids) for the fun and amusement of the local community–until they broke out of their dilapidated cages and almost ate a little girl playing on a swing set. Federal authorities moved in to control the outbreak of dangerous animals. The couple never spent a day in jail and later moved to Eastern Oregon to do the very same thing again.

Note: Many people I’ve met think comments about ligers in Napoleon Dynamite are just jokes. No! They’re references to the 1995 Ligertown incident which affirms my belief that that movie is a documentary not a comedy.

1998: Neo-Nazi Aryan Nations militants shoot and attack a lost mother and child after their car backfires near Hayden Lake.

1998: Caleb Chung, of Boise, creates Furby.

2000: The Southern Poverty Law Center helps the victims of the 1998 Aryan Nations attack win their lawsuit. The Neo-Nazis lose their property and are booted out of the state (they’re now trying to set up shop in Oregon.) The site is now a peace park and human rights memorial.

2001: Voters elect a man who calls himself “Butch” (real name Clement LeRoy) to congress.

2001: The man named “Butch” gets a $50,000 fine from the federal Environmental Protection Agency for filling in protected Boise River wetlands on his 60-acre ranch so he can build an artificial bass fishin’ pond with waterfalls ‘n’ junk (Spokes).

2001-2002: The governor surrounds the state capitol with concrete barriers and full-time national guard security patrols…because the state capitol in Boise looks like the one in Washington D.C. and the terrorists might get confused.

2003: Jim Risch spends $250,000 campaigning to become lieutenant governor, a job that pays $26,000 a year. He wins, what a surprise.

2004: The film Napoleon Dynamite garners a world-wide cult following. However, many misunderstand it as being a fictitious comedy when in reality it is a documentary of life in Preston.

2005: The state legislature has nothing better to do than to formally commend the producers of Napoleon Dynamite. Check out the full text of the bill here.

2005: KPVI Channel 6 chief meteorologist Scott Stevens quits so he can devote all his time researching how “Hurricane Katrina was caused by the Japanese mafia using a Russian electromagnetic generator.” Wonder how his wife felt about that.

2005: Idaho Falls Post Register reporter Peter Zuckerman receives national attention for uncovering an earth-shattering Boy Scout sex scandal uncovering the habitual abuse of twenty-four (that we know of) scouts by their leader Brad Stowell. He ended up serving only three years of his fourteen year sentence.

2007: The Senator Larry Craig Scandal in which he was found soliciting sex in the Men’s restroom at the Minneapolis Airport. When caught he immediately plead guilty then changed his mind a few months later. He also resigned his seat then changed his mind. He also issued one of the best quotes in state history, “I’m not gay, and I don’t cruise, and I don’t hit on men. [...] I don’t go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn’t do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!”

2007: Bonneville County Prosecutor Kimball Mason sentenced to three years in prison for stealing dozens of guns, ammo, and other weapons from the Idaho Falls Police vault.

2007: Former U.S. Representative Bill Sali embarrasses everyone by making disparaging remarks about Minnesota’s Keith Ellison (the first ever Muslim member of congress) and voting against state health insurance programs for poor children thinking that the coverage would apply to illegal aliens…which it wouldn’t.

2008: A farmer wanting to oust quasi-gay, disgraced Senator Larry Craig legally changes his name to Pro-Life. I wonder what his policy stance was?

2009: Former governor Dirk Kempthorne, who G.W. tapped as the Secretary of the Interior, renovated his office bathroom at the cost of $235,000 to U.S. taxpayers. Why are Idaho politicians so obsessed with bathrooms? This is a little weird, don’t you think?

2009: Former veterinarian and wannabe elk rancher Rex Rammell jokes with state GOPers that he wants to get Obama hunting tags. Then he embarrasses the Mormon church by bringing up a long-dismissed prophecy that Joseph Smith would rise from the grave to save the U.S. Constitution.

2009: State G.O.P. committeeman and prominent attorney Blake Hall convicted of serial stalking and sexually deviant behavior toward a married woman.

2009: Remember the “Bubble Boy” and the Heene Family who supposedly lost their son in a homemade backyard UFO balloon? Well they have an Idaho connection as the Dad was good friends with the aforementioned eccentric weatherman Scott Stevens. Watch the whole video, it’s priceless.

2010: Governor C.L. “Butch” Otter receives national attention for trying to balance the state budget by eliminating the state parks department and cutting off all state funds for Idaho Public Television.

2010: The Haitian immigration debacle.

2011: The Idaho legislature nullifies the Obama healthcare bill, an action that hasn’t occured since before the Civil War when Andrew Jackson sent the navy to enforce federal law against South Carolina’s defiance.

I hope y’all enjoy this handy chart I made plotting the number of embarrassments and their degree of seriousness. As you can see, the 1970s we’re a pretty embarrassing time but since Ruby Ridge we’ve been caught in a continuous upswing of dumbassery.

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m simply dumping on my home state, every state has its fair share of embarrassing moments and people (I’d argue California being #1), that’s just human nature. I just thought it’s useful to point this checkered history out in order to learn from past mistakes. From Idaho’s comedy of errors I definitely notice a pattern of rushing into situations without planning first–shoot first and ask questions later. Idaho, maybe you need to just think before you do. Give it a try and maybe we’ll be less of a punchline to the rest of the country and world.